I'm a Terrible Person

I’m a big fan of colored hair, and i’ve been dying my hair pink, red, purple, blue, turqoise, etc. for years now.

Currently it’s “pillarbox red” which is my FAVORITE color on myself.

Yesterday I stopped in the mall by myself to get some dinner. I see this teenage boy at a table a few rows over and he was reading the labels on about 4 hair dying products. I said to myself, ‘when is he going to come over and ask me for advice. i know hes going to. just do it.”  I hate kids, so it was like should i tell him to fuck off or be nice?

I’m always nice. So he finally gets up and comes over and i said “I was waiting for you to come ask.”

So he starts with “Did you dye your hair yourself?”

No, my best friend did it this last time, but i know how to do it.

So he asked all his questions and I helped him out. I felt like a hair mentor. I love when other people dye their hair too.

This is totally irrelevent, i just thought it was cute for this kid to come ask me for advice and what products to use.

Walking through the frozen food aisle, a man and his young son are discussing the ingredients in the chicken products.

Man to son: Where am I gonna catch a chicken?!?

Miriam: This gay guy. He’s the only one who wore purple.

Miriam: this one time I bought tuna and my moms like why’d you buy tuna the cat doesn’t eat tuna and I was like fuck that the cats gonna eat tuna but she went to return it so she could buy chicken and turkey so the cat could eat that. Hey is it cold outside? It was cold this morning Im not sure I might take the bus even tho I live like a block away I just don’t feel like going up a hill. Hey is that a sidekick? I just found out like this weekend did you know you could charge your sidekick on the playstation 3 I saw my cousin and she had this wire and was charging it.

So a few weeks ago there was some issues at my job with supplies. One week they cut a bunch to save money, then the next week there was NO supplies, etc. So when we FINALLY got supplies in, it was like a party. “Hey! REAL gloves! deli paper! deli bags!” I am not even lying.

For a while we had to use the crappy plastic bags that I use to wrap my half hoagies in every morning as deli bags. They are really long so everytime we’d cut someone’s meat we’d put it in the pouch and have to wrap and wrap and wrap. It was all we had, and it was a pain in the fucking ass.

Some customers would say “OH, you got new bags” “these are nice” etc. They were not nice.

OTHER customers would complain. I had to have heard this about 600 times that week: “WHEN ARE YOU GONNA GET THE ZIPLOCK BAGS” ….. FUCK YOU! Those ziplock bags cost more, come less in a box so you have to order more, fall off all the time so we waste more, and take too long to pack up so you wait on line longer. Go fuck yourselves for real.

Anyway back to the real point. Being that we had to use these bags, not everyone was pleased. This one regular customer, I’ll call her L’Vag, was particularly upset. She is a tall, very thin woman. Tends to wear this big black sunglasses, as she did on this occassion. Massive blonde highlights in her brown hair. An accent, possibly Ukraine or German or something. She’s just a cunt. I see her and say to myself “how can i get away from the counter.”

Well the morning we got our supplies in, I had been waiting on one customer and still using the makeshift supplies. L’Vag walked by, stood for 20 seconds ( i had ONE other customer) and sped away. After she walked away, my manager came by with the gloves i needed, and deli bags. I walked to THE CORNER of the counter, took a box of gloves, and was opening the tape to get the actual box of gloves out.

I’m still behind the counter. I’m aware of the customers. I’m getting GLOVES to actually be able to wait on customers. Are you following me? Where was i? Behind the counter. Was I aware of customers? yes.

In this 30 second span, L’Vag walked back to the deli. My hand is in the box…. removing gloves…..
*^&^%^$%
“EXCUSE ME ISN’T ANYONE GOING TO WAIT ON ME”
^%$^%^%

My manager says I’ll be right with her, i’m just getting GLOVES. Then L’Vag notices the bags and starts yelling about how she doesnt want those bags, she doesnt like them, why can’t we have ziplock bags, if we dont have the bags, she’s leaving.

If i was alone, i would have said sorry come back next month maybe we’ll have the bags. Instead, my manager explained to her if she WAITED for more than 3 seconds, we could open the box of bags and start using them.

When you read this, read it condisendingly as if you were talking to a mentally challenged person and trying to soothe them because they can’t understand the basic concepts you are trying to speak.

Anyway, I’ve been calling her “the rockstar” because she’s always got those sunglasses on, and she’s got an accent, and oh yea, SHE’S A GIANT CUNT.I think I’ll change her name to L’Vag tho. It fits.

Due to the Sidekick data loss, my vanity plates have been suffering. Aside from losing that 100+ list i had, people have been texting me plates, but then last night again all my texts are erased! So now I lost some new ones too. This will have to do. BTW: what kind of idiot really loves texas hold em that much? really? a license plate? …….

Pitron2
Texshldm
Be lovin
PROGROCK
Thnkgd
Yugioh
Mooch 4
Sela
Ooky
Clubcasa
Judoway
Op3ra
Just jack
A budram
Prove it
Londin

So my mom pulled the car into dunkin donuts parking lot, and through the window I see the girl who just walked in the store drop something. I assumed it was a reciept or garbage.

I walk in the store. There’s a $20 on the mat. I picked it up. Nobody was looking. AND I GAVE IT BACK TO HER.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It would have bought me a week’s metrocard or something.

And the guy who always asks for my number is back. At least he gave me a 33% discount to intice me to give him my number lol.

He kept asking for it again. About 6 times today. Maybe I should give him my number to see if I can get a gift card or something.

Deli rob: I watched this crazy movie last night. Called ‘Premonition.’

Me: did you know you were gonna watch it?

What face is that, you ask?

I have the face that just makes EVERYONE wanna fuck with me.

Today’s example.

I’m walking to work and intending on stopping at dunkin donuts to get my daily latte. I flick my cigarette in the street and notice the car closest to the sidewalk has a driver that keeps leaning over and looking at me, as if he’s trying to get my attention.

I ignore and keep walking.

The car speeds up and turns into a parking lot directly in my path. He parks, rolls down the window and starts yelling and gesticulating.

Now, being the IDIOT i can sometimes be, I’m confused for a moment, thinking maybe i dropped something, maybe i know him, maybe this maybe that. So I stopped to figure out what the loud noises were all about. I guess it’s just me but all that commotion seemed a lot just for someone to be fucking around. I couldn’t hear him though, so he gestured for me to come closer. (at this point i noted id never seen him before, and he was just a random mexican guy)

me: No. I said. What’s the matter?

random guy in car: where are you going? do you need a ride? i’ll drive you

me: what? no.

random guy: where are you going?

me: to fucking dunkin donuts it’s right there.

random guy: you work there?

me: no i want some fucking coffee i work somewhere else.

random guy: oh okay. I’ll wait for you.

me: yea, okay THANKS.

Then i flipped him off as i crossed the street. So now i get into dunkin donuts all disgruntled, and end up getting charged for smaller coffees than i actually got. so im thinking to myself the morning was evening out, right?

Well i cross the street again and continue walking to work with my half price coffees.

I hear massive honking.

The guy really did wait for me, and was now driving by waving and honking.

REALLY? you don’t have anything better to do with your time?

And of course, the last time there was that whole car pulling over and trying to talk to me thing, I ignored the car and kept walking. That time it really was someone i knew trying to give me a ride.

So a few months ago I noticed a shopper I’d never seen before. He was tall, gorgeous, and had a mohawk. He didn’t come by the deli, but I saw him on two occassions and fell in love.

Then, I was outside at bar a few weeks later with a friend who had really just drove up for a one night visit. We were catching up 5 months worth and I turned my head and see this tall, gorgeous, mohawk man! I was excited, in a giddy, girly crush way, but i was with an old friend so I couldn’t be a dick and yell out “Hey you shop at my job!” (which ive done before)

After that, i started seeing him more and more at work. He’d come to the deli and order ham and swiss. Then one day he tried the Honey Maple turkey we have, so every time he comes he gets half a pound of that and a quarter pound of swiss.

And every time i see him, i get all flustered and blush. I tell my manager and anyone nearby (after he’s gone of course) that that’s my future husband, he just doesn’t know it yet.

I keep trying to get the balls to talk to him. At least to ask what his name is, but i can’t do it. Once, I mentioned i’d seen him at a bar and he said he hangs out around that area a lot. Then i blurted out something like “how old are you anyway” and he told me to guess.

i said about 27. (hey he’s HOT)
he made the cutest face and said that no, he’s 34!!!!

Another time i saw him, i asked what he did for a living anyway, since he had a mohawk and i had purple hair and have trouble finding jobs. He said he used to work in construction but was currently unemployed. He said that’s why he shops at such random times (it’s true).

Sometimes if i see him in the store i’ll run out and take a cig break so i can see him check himself out at the self scan, and watch him get in his little white car.

I can do that, but i cant get the balls to ask his name. how pathetic.

The last time I saw him, I was outside of the deli fixing something in the case, so i saw him from the back and noticed under his hat that he was actually growing his mohawk in. Which is sad, but still. Got to get the balls….

This is a random rant about how i am a stalker when i finally find a good looking guy.

This is from about 5 days ago. I’ve been sick, what do you want from me?

Sean: If you give it to me, I won’t just fuck the shit out of you, cause you need something more special. So Ima make love to you.

*proceeds to describe how his dick curves to the left and would “rub your walls” and i’d “feel every inch”

sean: my left stroke is my death stroke

So anyways, currently all the ghettoass shits who work there are mad at me for something. This may very well be the last stupid thing that sean says. As much as i hate him, he is awfully entertaining via this website.