Sean is growing out his hair, and it reminds me of a chocolate q-tip. So I asked him today why he’s growing it out, it looks stupid.
This is what he had to say:
The last time I went to Best Buy, the kid rung me up at one of the little computer stations in the aisle. Behind his computer was this post it Unicorn, and I thought it hysterical so I asked to take a picture.
When your cat jumps in the bathtub and you find yourself playing Peek A Boo with him until he gets bored.
SIGH.
I hadn’t seen the mohawk man in quite some time. I saw him friday, but he was just leaving and i caught a glimpse and started turning into a girl.
But he was in the store yesterday. Of course i have the worst timing. I had to use the ladies room, and on the way back i stopped to pretend-flirt with the meat department. It entertains me, makes the day go by.
As i turn my head from the meat dept, I see him. My future husband.
He’s definitely growing his hair out. It’s no longer a mohawk but he’s still gorgeous. I got back to the deli and EVERYONE started teasing me, telling me i just missed my husband, and what bad timing i had.
I can’t even talk to him now, cause he doesnt really come to the deli and if he does, i miss him! I wanna go out with him so bad. He’s absolutely beautiful. ugh.
And then when there’s another hot guy at the deli and i actually get the balls to talk to him, guess what? HE’S ONLY 18.
fml.
Remember that blog I wrote about the crazy lady who wanted the rarest roast beef and the cup of water etc?
She came back this week. Maybe it was Friday or something she was there.
I saw her and my spirits fell. My body literally sunk. She had called in the morning ironically enough, to ask my manager if the roast beef was rare, and if we could make sure we had some when she came in. Yea, OKAY.
She started with the “do you have a roast beef you make here?” thing again, and i quickly jumped in with the store-brand-on-sale-i-have-to-open- one shit. She got upset that i’d have to open a new roast beef, concerned it would not be rare enough for her. I assured her it would be.
So I opened a new roast beef, and we usually cut the 20 pound thing in half, and so each side is the same, equally rare, right from the middle.
I showed her the half i had picked up and put it on the slicer.
“let me see the other one,” she said. “is it rarer?”
‘THEY’RE BOTH EXACTLY THE SAME,” I *CALMLY* replied.
“well let me see them” she said.
So i show her both pieces together and she asks me, “Which one is rarer? I can’t tell.”
‘THEY’RE BOTH EXACTLY THE SAME,” I calmly reply.
“Okay,” she says, and agrees to let me start slicing.
“now, you’re gonna think i’m crazy…” she starts. But being that i remember her I interrupted her and said “you want a cup of water and a paper towel.”
and then i went to get her one. Then I sliced a TEEEEENY TINNNNY piece off for her, just like i knew she was going to ask for, and she tasted it and spit it out and asked for a pound of it.
While i’m slicing her fucking roast beef, she asks if we have saran wrap. Yes, i say, it’s what you made me wrap your meat in last time.
“What kind is it, is it the real kind?”
“IT’S THE SAME ONE I WRAPPED YOUR ROAST BEEF IN LAST WEEK” i calmly reply.
Then the bitch asks if i have FOIL. Okay so now the plastic wrap she made me use last week isn’t good enough for her? well i fucking told her last week it was gonna make a mess and would be better if i put it in a boat first. No, she had said. just do it, do it as i say, she said.
well fuck you. no i don’t have foil for you.
then she starts to ask me to wrap it the plastic wrap and i said “YEA I KNOW I REMEMBER”
so she made a point of reading my name tag (not my real name of course) and saying “thank you for remembering). she probably went to complain about me to someone.
Anyway, here’s what her weird requests lead me to believe:
1. Based on her insistence that the roast beef be incredibly rare, and her distress at the thought that the other half could possibly be more rare, I’m thinking she’s a cannibal. I’m thinking she likes the taste of fresh meat. And her fear of being discovered and taken into custody has left her with no other choice than to just eat uncooked meat. She probably sits at home and touches herself while chewing it. “mmm roastttt beeef.”
2. Maybe she has an eating disorder. She definitely doesnt chew and swallow. Instead she nibbles, spits, and drinks some water.
3. Maybe she has a pet tiger at home or something, and she likes to make it sandwiches instead of just tossing it a piece of butchered meat. She likes to taste our premium deli meat first, to make sure it’s up to her tiger’s standards. Then when she goes home she puts it on some whole wheat bread with mayo and lettuce and cuts it into fours for her little striped kitty.
4. Based on her insistence that the meat be wrapped in plastic wrap then in a bag, she probably wants it tightly sealed so it doesnt stain her clothes when she STEALS it. I wouldn’t doubt it.
I hope she gets a tape worm and it finds its way to her brain and kills her.
I’m really not a man-hating dyke. But men really annoy the shit out of me quite often. Here’s some things that really aggrivate me:
This is something I’ve noticed over the past year. Men tend to turn their heads quite fast while driving, in any direction. Particularly, if i’m standing at a bus stop or waiting for a ride, I’ll notice about 15 male drivers quickly turn their heads and stare as they drive by. Female drivers might occassionally glance, but not one of them TURNS THEIR HEAD AND STARES while they’re driving. They just don’t do that.
Also, the passengers in cars do it too. Men will usually stare at me or another woman at a bus stop until we’re no longer in sight. Teenagers in cars will sometimes glance and make a face, but they just don’t STARE. I think there should be a shock collar invented for men so that they can’t stare down their prey.
I am in no way complaining, saying that I’m the only one this happens to. It’s a general observation about men. The fact that they are mostly black seems unimportant, cause they are just acting like men.
For instance, over the summer i was sitting at a bus stop going home from work. A large black man in the passenger seat of a car started shouting at me the whole time they were stopped at a red light. “I need a nice, thick girl like you to satisfy me” and other retarded things he yelled. He asked for my phone number, started getting angry that i was ignoring him, and just was a complete dick.
Once, walking home from school, an older black man was across the street and started yelling out “hey big girl, come over here and shake your big titties for me.” I ignored him and he kept shouting till i was down the street.
In 2006, on my way home from work a man sat near me at the back of the bus. I had headphones on, and he kept tapping me trying to get my attention. There was no where else on the crowded bus for me to move, so i ignored him as long as i could, then gave in trying to deter him. He asked what music i was listening to, where i worked, suggested i suck his dick with ice in my mouth, told me i’d look good naked in his shower with steam comingn off of me, etc. I started telling him i was a lesbian, because he wouldnt leave me alone. He then told me a guy must have broken my heart, all lesbians really are just hurt, etc. He kept saying nasty things. So then i told him I had aids. He told me to stick out my tongue so he could tell if i was sick. At that point a black lady near me started laughing hysterically and telling the guy he was an idiot and if someone said they had aids she’d sure leave them alone. She then argued with him about health and shit until i got off.
And when guys say shit to women it’s not always perverted. Sometimes it’s mean, like the one time a guy called me fat as he drove by. Okay so that was once. Usually it’s always perverted.
How many times have you seen a woman roll down their window and yell to a guy for them to suck on their clit or something? And if you ever have seen a woman do something like the things these guys do, i want to meet her.
it’s for shit like that that i now take a sick enjoyment in teasing men. I also love when mindsay mohan and i are driving around and we just honk at guys for the hell of it. It’s okay for guys to do it, so we do it too now.
I actually think i should write a book about all the weird shit that men have done… Like when i was in high school and waiting at the train station for the bus. This random guy came up to me and started talking to me, and telling me i was a good listener, and i reminded him of his baby’s mama, who was fourteen, and how he just got out of jail but it wasn’t his fault he was trespassing , etc.
Or that cab driver who when i was 15 wouldnt let me out of the cab and kissed my hand and told me he wanted me to work in his new mexican resturaunt.
Or the creepy “i love you” guy from my earlier blogs.
Or the creepy MASTURBATOR from when i worked at the beauty supply store.
Or the guy who kept coming in to the beauty supply store when i was alone and asking me out, and telling me i was pretty, and whenever i tried to ignore him or get him out of the store he would say i only cared about his money, women are all the same.
Or the guys who worked nearby and would bother my coworkers all the time. One guy kept calling the store asking for her and harrassing her.
Or what about the bus masturbator who was stalking my friend?
Or the guy who was in the movie theater with mindsay mohan, the “you have nice teeth” guy?
Or what about SEAN? There’s an argument for pieces of shit if ever there was one.
OKay I’m tired of writing this. Obviously i have some pent up anger from all the shit men put women through. It’s really not fair, and I now have a sci-fi novel i’m dying to write…..
I like kissing, but i never used to. I used to think it was just me, that I didnt enjoy it. Then, I kissed a couple of men who actually knew how to kiss. The kind of kissing that makes your lips tingle and your heart melt. The good kind.
So sometimes I just want to make out. I don’t want to go out and have sex with random guys. I just want 10 minutes of amazing kisses. It’s a pretty simple request, in my opinion.
I don’t think it’s too much to ask for.
But guys just don’t see it the same way. Male friends and male idiots I know all seem to agree that they don’t like kissing. It’s only useful if it leads to sex, or at least a blow job.
And not only that, but if you do find a guy who is willing to settle for just a kiss and nothing else, the problem is that they suck at kissing. And how do you TELL them they suck? I mean, maybe it’s just my opinion, and i don’t like their kissing style. But is there a way to convince them to kiss you the way you like to be kissed? What’s the protocol? What’s the secret?
It’s rather depressing, actually. It’s like when you crave something yummy like an ice cream sundae or the world’s best pizza and you keep getting frozen milk and pizza lunchables. There’s no comparison. It’s completely different, and unsatisfying.
The worst is when you meet a guy you never thought you’d like, and he turns out to be the most amazing kisser ever. Then it doesn’t work out, and you know he’s out there, kissing other women with his amazing talent, and you’re stuck with guys that just jam their tongues down your throat from a mile away.
Life is unfair.
I really don’t think it’s too much to ask for, to find a guy who is good at kissing and doesn’t expect anything else.
end rant.
Fact 1 - I happen to like keys. I like silver jewelry. Therefore, I have a silver necklace with a pretty silver key on it.
Fact 2 – This person is always teasing me and calling me goth and commenting on the way i dress.
Dumb Quote:
coworker: Is that the key to your heart?
me: no.
Today’s installment of stupid vanity plates is filled with real winners. Enjoy the eye rolling.
FLWRPOWR
FNTASTK4
DADNBUN
4ALFREDO
ABABYJAG
B4SHAFT
WE PUSH
OUR LIFE
MUSIC4
MS SILK
LYF2SHRT
CAR IZZ
TWENTY20
PRAZEHIM
GOSONIC
MALIBU D
DR SWITCH
JEZEBELL
LATINLUV
CAPULOVE
INSMAN
JUNGLELV
*credit to mindsay mohan for today’s blog title, and to everyone who texts me stupid vanity plates : )
