I’m a Magnet For Weirdos.

First, at the bus stop, I’m minding my own business with my headphones on. A cab pulls up and driver looks at me. I shake my head “no,” which is the universal symbol for “I have absolutely no money and am not soliciting a taxi.”

The guy is saying something, so I take my headphones out to hear him.

“Where you going?” He asked, for no reason.

“I have no money.”

“But where you going?”

“I HAVE NO MONEY. ALL I HAVE IS A METROCARD THAT’S WHY I’M AT A BUS STOP.”

“Yea but where you going?”

“To white plains!” (Its like a 40 minute ride on the bus, 30 by car.)

“Oh,” he says, and WINKS AT ME. Then stays there for an awkward minute smiling, as if I was going to get in the car anyway.

I’m sorry, I am not a prostitute, nor do I look like one. So when you come up to a girl at a bus stop at 630am without her hailing a cab, and her repeatedly saying she has no money and she’s waiting for the bus, and you still try to get her in the car…. well it kinda looks like you’re expecting a little something in return for the ride.

Then, while on the bus, I notice a very manly looking guy. He looks maybe Indian or some sort of Middle Eastern decent. With dark skin and a flowing cotton outfit. Well, I notice his sandals, and how one foot is normal, but the other has five neatly painted toes. As in, five HOT PINK toe nails.

On the way home, I forgo the first bus because that special man I had written about, the one who screams “ugly racist” to everyone, was getting on it. As I waited for the next one, the bus stops in front of me, and I’m lost in my own thoughts staring at the doors, waiting for them to open. Then I realize, I am w.a.I.t.I.n.g. So I glance in at the driver and he’s staring at me and laughing. He was just fucking with me and not opening the doors.

I constantly wonder if I’m one of few people that consistently has weird things happen to them, or notices unusual things. Crazy shit ALWAYS happens to me, like that time a few years ago when I was walking home and a car pulled up and drove slowly next to me. Then the driver rolled his window down and started chatting with me. I ignored him and he kept trying to talk to me. Eventually, rolling backwards on the street, he got mad at me and yelled “ATTITUDE, MOMMY. ATTITUDE.” Then drove off.

Gosh sir, I’m awfully sorry for my attitude at your unsolicited advances and creepish stalking of me.

And last week, I got off the bus and started walking down a narrow side street. I see a car stop on the street and pull over. It was just waiting there. I said to myself….I bet its a guy gonna start shit with me.

Sure enough, as I walked past it, I hear, “Excuse me!”

Benefit of the doubt, I turned. Maybe he was lost.

“Wannaride?” He yelled.

“Nope. I’m good.” I kept walking. He rolled a little forward to ask me if I was sure I didn’t want a ride. Then he asked my name and if I lived around there. So I gave him my fake name and said I did live there and there was nowhere to drive me to. He still kept talking as I walked away.

And I have so many more stories. A part two will come shortly.