A customer I’ve never seen before came up to me with some Pillsbury cinnamon rolls. The kind in the little barrel you just pop open and cook. They had 50% off managers special labels on them, plus everything in the store has a sign for what percentage off it is.
He wanted to know how that worked, if it was 20% off, or 50% off. So I told him it was going to take 20% off at the register, then the 50% was a coupon, so that would come off as well. He thanked me, then said he’d never had them before, and wanted to try them. I told him, “those. Are. Soooo. Good!” And he said I should buy some then, since they were discounted so much. I said I would, but I don’t have any money, which is true. I have twenty dollars in the bank, and I’m gonna need that for bus fare to work all week and probably for a bottle of advil.
The man came back with three packages, already paid for, for me! I’m fat enough, I don’t really need to be eating cinnamon rolls, but I just thought that was so sweet of him. I guess there still are nice people out there, no matter how many people try to prove me otherwise.
Just found this in my drafts and don’t think I’ve ever published it. Enjoy.
Sean: You know what you should be for halloween next year? A sundae. Talkin bout with ice cream, sprinkles, hot fudge, whipped cream. Remember that day you bought whipped cream? What did you do with it? Ima do some real nasty shit with whipped cream. You already know.
*I decided to write his quote down, and he got excited*
Sean: But listen when you publish this book and they make it into a movie I wanna be played by nick cannon. And I want seth rogan to play eric. And jim carrey to play deli rob. Yo I listen to asian music now.
Ah yes, after the long, agonizing winter and many days of rain, today is beautiful. Which sucks for me, a bus rider. Time to bring your babies out for a bus ride, so I can listen to them scream the entire trip, and nearly fall as I try to climb over four baby carriages barely folded and sticking out so that there is literally no where to place my feet.
Even better, I am currently stuck at a bus stop with a wonderful Spanish mother and her A.L.F.s (annoying little fuckers). The two of them are using water bottles and garbage to throw at each other (near me). They are infuriatingly obnoxious and even threw the fucking bottles in the street, nearly hitting cars.
I can’t understand why you can’t buy the little fuckers an actual toy, even if it came from the dollar store, as your excuse could be money. I also can’t imagine letting a child play with garbage. You don’t know where it has been, what germs or diseases are on it. And then the thing is going to do what all children eventually do- touch their faces/stick their fingers in their mouths. So now their germ covered appendages near their germ absorbing faces, and lots of fun stuff can come from that. Great parenting.
Also, the fact that your spawn nearly caused a car accident doesn’t seem to phase you one bit. Hell, it isn’t your car! So what if someone gets hit by a flying bottle of water, swerves the car into someone else, and causes a tweleve car pile up. Who cares?
I was quickly becoming infuriated with the situation and had to move far away just to attempt to calm down. Interestingly enough, I ended up meeting a man who works at a scrap yard, and we talked for the remainder of the wait and the bus ride. Turns out his girlfriend’s parents are good friends with Weird Al and there’s a picture of her as a baby in Weird Al’s arms. Fascinating.
Sean came up to me the other day and asked if I could give him a copy of the book I wrote about him. I was confused, then he reminded me that I always used to write down his stupid quotes and he was convinced I was compiling a book. Since I will never see him again, maybe I should just link him to my website. What do you think?