I'm a Terrible Person

This one lady, who has often made me make her seafood salad sandwiches, and is as quick to scream at me as she is to praise me, well… she asked me something yesterday.

She came up to the counter with two wedges I had just finished making.

“What’s the difference between the tuna salad and the seafood salad?”

I had to have her repeat the question. Sure I heard her right, I was flabbergasted.

“Well…. one is seafood and the other is just tuna.”

I had thought that was self explainatory.

“But what’s the difference?” she asked again.

“Uh… well one is just tuna salad, and the other is shrimp and imitation crab, and basically a whole seafood salad…”

The worst part was that she ALWAYS Asks me to make her seafood sandwiches, but she had to go and say she thinks she usually gets tuna, but she was going to buy one of each anyway, because “you make such good sandwiches. Everything you do is wonderful.”

Yea. Okay.

So a customer orders something from the deli and we are supposed to offer a sample. Now that it’s Lent, on certain days these people don’t eat meat, so they get offended if I offer them a sample.

I don’t give a shit. I’m just doing my job.

So on Ash Wednesday, this guy orders swiss and american cheese. Tells me it’s lent and he gave up meat. Great. I didn’t ask, I don’t care.

A mother and her two kids come to the counter and order ham and turkey. Her little kids start yelling “I want a slice I want a slice I want turkey I want some” and she gets mad at them and tells them not today.
Explains its ash Wednesday.

Great. I didn’t ask, I don’t care.

It annoys the fuck out of me when people need to announce to the world what they are “sacrificing” for whatever reason. Stop being so self righteous. If it meant anything to you, you’d keep it personal and not advertise it so everyone can admire your religiousness. Fuck off.

Batty return every week as usual. I guess I never want to write about them because they annoy me so much.
But i’ve been meaning to share this for a while.

If you recall, they like their deli meat OBSCENELY thin. Also the husband has a really short attention span and walks away sometimes. The wife will yell out, “Brian, brian, come here. taste this. taste this brian. make sure it’s how you like it.”

So i ALWAYS have to give them a taste. I always cut it OBNOXIOUSLY THIN. It’s really a pain in the ass, especially because our machines dont work properly and when you set it to that thin thin set it turns off. It’s ridiculous.

I sliced proscutto for them one day, and as i gave him a super thin slice to sample, he said:

“MMM it’s great, it’s like skin.”

Skin? really? Skin? You couldn’t compare it to anything else? I’ve never been able to slice thinly since, without having an image of human flesh being peeled from the sinews beneath. ugh.

Remember that blog I wrote about the crazy lady who wanted the rarest roast beef and the cup of water etc?

She came back this week. Maybe it was Friday or something she was there.

I saw her and my spirits fell. My body literally sunk. She had called in the morning ironically enough, to ask my manager if the roast beef was rare, and if we could make sure we had some when she came in. Yea, OKAY.

She started with the “do you have a roast beef you make here?” thing again, and i quickly jumped in with the store-brand-on-sale-i-have-to-open- one shit. She got upset that i’d have to open a new roast beef, concerned it would not be rare enough for her. I assured her it would be.

So I opened a new roast beef, and we usually cut the 20 pound thing in half, and so each side is the same, equally rare, right from the middle.

I showed her the half i had picked up and put it on the slicer.

“let me see the other one,” she said. “is it rarer?”

‘THEY’RE BOTH EXACTLY THE SAME,” I *CALMLY* replied.

“well let me see them” she said.

So i show her both pieces together and she asks me, “Which one is rarer? I can’t tell.”

‘THEY’RE BOTH EXACTLY THE SAME,” I calmly reply.

“Okay,” she says, and agrees to let me start slicing.

“now, you’re gonna think i’m crazy…” she starts. But being that i remember her I interrupted her and said “you want a cup of water and a paper towel.”

and then i went to get her one. Then I sliced a TEEEEENY TINNNNY piece off for her, just like i knew she was going to ask for, and she tasted it and spit it out and asked for a pound of it.

While i’m slicing her fucking roast beef, she asks if we have saran wrap. Yes, i say, it’s what you made me wrap your meat in last time.

“What kind is it, is it the real kind?”

“IT’S THE SAME ONE I WRAPPED YOUR ROAST BEEF IN LAST WEEK”  i calmly reply.

Then the bitch asks if i have FOIL. Okay so now the plastic wrap she made me use last week isn’t good enough for her? well i fucking told her last week it was gonna make a mess and would be better if i put it in a boat first. No, she had said. just do it, do it as i say, she said.

well fuck you. no i don’t have foil for you.

then she starts to ask me to wrap it the plastic wrap and i said “YEA I KNOW I REMEMBER”

so she made a point of reading my name tag (not my real name of course) and saying “thank you for remembering). she probably went to complain about me to someone.

Anyway, here’s what her weird requests lead me to believe:

1. Based on her insistence that the roast beef be incredibly rare, and her distress at the thought that the other half could possibly be more rare, I’m thinking she’s a cannibal. I’m thinking she likes the taste of fresh meat. And her fear of being discovered and taken into custody has left her with no other choice than to just eat uncooked meat. She probably sits at home and touches herself while chewing it. “mmm roastttt beeef.”

2. Maybe she has an eating disorder. She definitely doesnt chew and swallow. Instead she nibbles, spits, and drinks some water.

3. Maybe she has a pet tiger at home or something, and she likes to make it sandwiches instead of just tossing it a piece of butchered meat. She likes to taste our premium deli meat first, to make sure it’s up to her tiger’s standards. Then when she goes home she puts it on some whole wheat bread with mayo and lettuce and cuts it into fours for her little striped kitty.

4. Based on her insistence that the meat be wrapped in plastic wrap then in a bag, she probably wants it tightly sealed so it doesnt stain her clothes when she STEALS it. I wouldn’t doubt it.

I hope she gets a tape worm and it finds its way to her brain and kills her.

A random black man talking on his cell very loudly:

… thinking you fucking my baby’s mama’s gonna upset me. I already know what kinda woman she is. I know what i’m dealing with.

Walking through the frozen food aisle, a man and his young son are discussing the ingredients in the chicken products.

Man to son: Where am I gonna catch a chicken?!?

Miriam: This gay guy. He’s the only one who wore purple.

Miriam: this one time I bought tuna and my moms like why’d you buy tuna the cat doesn’t eat tuna and I was like fuck that the cats gonna eat tuna but she went to return it so she could buy chicken and turkey so the cat could eat that. Hey is it cold outside? It was cold this morning Im not sure I might take the bus even tho I live like a block away I just don’t feel like going up a hill. Hey is that a sidekick? I just found out like this weekend did you know you could charge your sidekick on the playstation 3 I saw my cousin and she had this wire and was charging it.

So being a fat person, I don’t really mock those fatter than me.

However, this guy came to the deli the other day, about four times larger than me. And im pretty large. So my coworker told him we had the lowsalt ham on sale, and it was two dollars cheaper than all the other ham.

The large man actually said: No, no, no. I don’t want the low salt ham. I want the fully- sodiumed, fatty one.

…..

This morning at the bus stop these two ladies were talking, and one commented about how she saw the other’s cousin or something walking alone to school. The girl must be about 12, and the lady said she asked her, “aint chu scared of anything? Walking alone?”

No, the girl had said.

So the first lady wondered why she wasn’t scared to walk alone, since she still walks her own daughter to school.

So he cousin told the lady: Her momma says she retarded, tha’s why.