At the HAIR REPLACEMENT CENTER:
extensions. nails. coloring. makeup. lashes. etc. normal things you’d find in a salon.
but then… KID’S PARTIES? WTF?????
So one day I saw a teenage couple get on the bus. They sat in front of me for the 45 min bus ride.
It appeared as if the girl was giving her man a handjob. On the bus.
And that’s not something that’s easily mistaken. Handjob. On the bus.
What face is that, you ask?
I have the face that just makes EVERYONE wanna fuck with me.
Today’s example.
I’m walking to work and intending on stopping at dunkin donuts to get my daily latte. I flick my cigarette in the street and notice the car closest to the sidewalk has a driver that keeps leaning over and looking at me, as if he’s trying to get my attention.
I ignore and keep walking.
The car speeds up and turns into a parking lot directly in my path. He parks, rolls down the window and starts yelling and gesticulating.
Now, being the IDIOT i can sometimes be, I’m confused for a moment, thinking maybe i dropped something, maybe i know him, maybe this maybe that. So I stopped to figure out what the loud noises were all about. I guess it’s just me but all that commotion seemed a lot just for someone to be fucking around. I couldn’t hear him though, so he gestured for me to come closer. (at this point i noted id never seen him before, and he was just a random mexican guy)
me: No. I said. What’s the matter?
random guy in car: where are you going? do you need a ride? i’ll drive you
me: what? no.
random guy: where are you going?
me: to fucking dunkin donuts it’s right there.
random guy: you work there?
me: no i want some fucking coffee i work somewhere else.
random guy: oh okay. I’ll wait for you.
me: yea, okay THANKS.
Then i flipped him off as i crossed the street. So now i get into dunkin donuts all disgruntled, and end up getting charged for smaller coffees than i actually got. so im thinking to myself the morning was evening out, right?
Well i cross the street again and continue walking to work with my half price coffees.
I hear massive honking.
The guy really did wait for me, and was now driving by waving and honking.
REALLY? you don’t have anything better to do with your time?
And of course, the last time there was that whole car pulling over and trying to talk to me thing, I ignored the car and kept walking. That time it really was someone i knew trying to give me a ride.
Last week, I was sharpening the slicers before the deli opened early in the morning. The Coke vendor was walking by, and since we made eye contact, we both did the “Good morning” nod. I’d never even looked at the man before that morning.
I occassionally like to be annoying. Not in a spiteful or bitchy way, but just so everyone can laugh at something stupid. Lightheartedness.
So anyway, as he was walking by, I said to my manager, very loudly:
“Gosh, I could really go for a NICE, COLD, REFRESHING Coca cola right about now. What’s THAT about? Just this sudden urge.. gosh I’m thirsty.”
He turned around and smiled, and even laughed a little. My manager said “Ive never seen that man smile before!”
Five minutes later, the coke guy comes back and hands me a plastic bag, with a 20oz coke and the receipt in it. I was so taken off guard. That was so sweet of him!
About an hour later, Matt, who brings my bread every morning, showed up. Lately I’ve been tease-flirting with him, since i think he’s recently become single. So somehow I started getting him to give me hugs occassionally. My manager was standing nearby so just to entertain her, as Matt left I asked him where my goodmorning hug was.
He came back into the deli and gave me a great big hug.
So now my manager thinks I’ve got everyone by the balls. I’d like to think so too, I guess.
Oh and the other day Matt brought the bread and was leaving without giving me a hug, so I turned my back on him and said “This affair is OVER, Matt.” He put his arms around me from the back and squeezed me so tight of course i had to forgive him.
The things I do to entertain myself…..
Did you ever see someone in a store buying condoms and think to yourself, “Really? YOU’RE getting laid, and I’M not????”
Also, what is this embedded human need to buy buffer items when purchasing things like condoms, tampons, lube, laxatives, etc?
All those things pertain to basic human needs. Everyone uses them. Why are people so embarrassed to buy them?
Today I saw this not really attractive guy in Walgreens buying a big pack of Ultra Sensitive condoms, and a pack of regular ones. He was also buying a two pack of small lightbulbs, and a box of Oreo cookies.
I thought to myself firstly, “REALLLY???? Someone wants to fuck YOU?”
Then I thought, “Hey how come I’m not getting laid?”
And then I ended with, “There’s no way he really wanted those Oreos. Must be a buffer item.”
I used to work in a beauty supply store, which I should really start writing about. But in any case, when we got a new manager there, she decided to start this “bag check” everyday. Everyone’s purses and plastic bags had to be checked to make sure we weren’t stealing anything. And if we carried makeup from our job, we had to keep a receipt with it. We even had to check her own bag.
So, since I’m an asshole, whenever I worked early and knew she’d be checking my bag when I left, I’d use my lunch break to run to Rite Aid and buy Magnum condoms, or vibrating condoms, and and sometimes pads or lube. Just to make her uncomfortable. She’d make these faces when she saw them, and once was like, “hey…. everybody’s got needs…” It was mainly awkward, which I LIVE FOR.
I procrastinate, so this is a bit old.
A few weeks ago, while outside having a cig, this customer got out of his car and came up to the store. He went right over to the pillars outside and just started banging this coconut (that came out of nowhere) on the bricks. He paused, switched sides, and kept at it. I felt the need to mock him.
It’s a coconut. A coconut. Is it really THAT important, that you need to crack it open immediately? What are you going to do, eat it while you’re driving? Buy a coconut cream pie and shove your face in it.
Out of respect for a certain coworker, I never write about him. He drives me insane, but deep down I think he’s a nice guy, so I won’t go on about him like I do with sean.
We’ll call him “Xx”
So. Xx is always complaining to me about how he is single, wants a girl, etc. In order to keep my sanity I attempt to relate and converse.
Xx asks me all the time about my exboyfriend and how long I’ve been single, then says its been so many years for him.
He’s always asking what’s wrong, why can’t he find someone. He wants reassurance that he’s a good looking guy. He wants me to tell him his ex is a whore and white trash.
So I do. Everyday. Because believe me, he says the same thing everyday.
Today he was talking about his ex and asked how long for me. So I told him its been a year since I broke up with my ex, and he assured me im a pretty girl and ill find someone.
He and sean are always telling me I “have a pretty face” (which is what every fat girl is told). They are always saying ill meet someone, etc.
I meet plenty of guys. I enjoy the time I spend with them. They just don’t end up my boyfriend.
I pretended to have a conversation with them, which is when I just repeat what they say and twist it around.
Me: sean, what’s wrong with Xx and I? Why are we single?
Sean: well for you its cause you’re so picky. There be tons of guys that wanna bang you and be your man. Im one of them. Like, I really got to know you and I like you and I wanna be your man.
Me: you just want sex because im the only one telling you no. And besides I want a relationship, not sex.
Sean: when two people sleep together, eventually they get feelings for each other. …. blah blah blah.
Then he said something about hand holding and grabbed my hand to hold it.
Luckily, there’s lots of soap and sinks nearby.
I just think its funny that someone who almost everyday has something nasty and sexual to say to me has the nerve to say he’d date me. Its like, no.
Also, the repetitiveness of this conversation is driving me insane. Xx and sean basically have 6 things to say. They may rephrase them occassionally, but everyday its all they say.
Xx’s list:
1. “why am I alone”
2. When is the cigarette lady coming I need my cigarettes
3. I have to take a leak.
4. What’s xx going to have for dinner tonight.
5. (To me) listing every ugly and mentally challenged man in the store and asking if i d date them, then laughing and saying im a funny girl when I say “fuck no”
6. Complaining about his hours and how much work he has to do and no one appreciates it etccccc. And how he has to clean the oven and the racks.
How could I forget…
7. On thursdays ” one more day till payday. One more day till payday.”
On fridays “did you get your paycheck? Can I go get my paycheck?”
Seans list:
1. Yo im about to go have a smoke
2. Come on we can go bang in the back, no one goes back there.
3. Peters never coming back. (Makes up raps about pete feeding his baby by deaing drugs, part of which goes “eatin sleepin readin shittin. Going fun places every weekend, how he gonna feed that kid? Sellin drugs to feed that baby)
4. Yo E what we gonna do tonight? (Usually involves drugs and sluts)
5. Telling me im pretty and “for real you should let me get it in.”
6.the morning shift doesn’t do any work. Only we do work. They take breaks all the time and its so easy working in the morning. We get smoked at night. (Etc etc. Complain complain.)
Im going insane. I hear the same thing every day. I start repeating the list to other people when im feeling stressed, like ill explode.
Its like become like turretts. Ill say to my manager in Xx’s voice, “xx’s has to take a leak. I need a cigarette. I hope the cigrette lady comes I need my cigarettes do you think ill ever find a nice girl? Arleene snubbed me. She snubbed me. 4 years xx hasn’t had a date. 4 years. Would you go out with him? Who would you rather go out with? Him or him? Xx has to take a leak. Gotta clean the oven and the racks.”
She always cuts me off. I can’t imagine why.
This lady came to the deli this morning and when I asked her what she wanted, she reapeatedly pointed (and by point I mean banged on the glass) to a honey turkey in the window as she said ” a quarter pound of oven roasted turkey.”
She spoke perfect english, so im not sure why she was stabbing at the glass. But she obviously couldn’t read if she was pointing at the honey turkey….
Anyway. I always think of monkeys when people do that. Its so unneccessary.
Later, a woman, her daughter, and grandaughter came to the counter. The daughter was wearing an ugly, and by ugly I mean atrocious, blue DC brand hat. She also had on a flourescent pink tube top and bright sky blue jeans. She had a tattoo on her arm – in giant letters, “Mimi”
Woman: do you have any roasted turkey that’s like roasted but not moist?
Me: I have blah blah turkey here have a slice and see if u like it.
Woman: (as im cutting her a slice) CAN I TRY A SLICE?
Daughter: (as im handing woman a slice) YOU HAVE HONEY GLAZED TURKEY?
Me: yes
Daughter: you have honey glazed turkey? I want that.
Me: ok. (Starts slicing turkey, and is about to give a slice to her.)
Daughter: THAT’S HONEY GLAZED? GIMME A SLICE.
Me: im about to.
Daughter: I want a dalla. No two dollas of that, and a dolla fifty of cheese.
Me: (slicing turkey)
Daughter: I WANT CHEESE. BUT I WANT MY CHEESE SLICED REALLLL THIN.
Me: o. K. A. Y.
After slicing both items, I ask if she would like anything else.
She gave me the dirtiest look and just said, ” im alright.”
